Don’t assume!

When I tell people that I’m transitioning, I think the impression they get is that I want to become a man. Even though I’ve tried to explain that I’ve always been a man on the inside. I don’t look like a girl, I don’t feel like a girl and don’t act like a girl either. I guess this was the gender I was assigned at birth so that’s all they know. I’m just tired of being underestimated because I’m a “girl”. It’s just their narrow-minded way of thinking, to say a girl isn’t as strong as a guy. She can be if she wants to be! Granted the testosterone helps guys but even now before I’ve started HRT(hormone replacement therapy) I’m stronger than some guys! People do too much assuming! Bugs me.

in limbo…

Time is sure dragging since I’ve been waiting for May 24th… that’s when I have my consultation with a doctor about testosterone. It still seems so far away, I’m a very impatient person. I’m just so sick of being stuck in between. Maybe that’s ok for some people, to be androgynous, but not for me. I guess because I’ve been assumed female for so long, even though that’s not how I feel. Most of the time people aren’t sure, they stare and must be wondering – is that a guy or girl? I would like to walk in somewhere and not be scrutinized for a change. I probably shouldn’t care what people are thinking and I’m trying not to. I just want to feel comfortable with myself. At least I finally have the appointment and soon I’ll have the testosterone and all the exciting changes that come with it. =)

come out or be stealth?

I want to start by saying I love my girlfriend so much and I appreciate how supportive she have been with me transitioning, as well as everything else in my life. I would be lost without her, she is my best friend, my life partner. I have to say I’m so glad I’m in a relationship and don’t have to worry about dating. Trans-people have it really hard in that area. You have to explain to someone you’re not “normal”. So I don’t have to worry about coming out to a girl I want to date but I’m still worried about who I will have to come out to.

I’m learning to deal with being trans. It’s just not as accepted as being gay is, but then again being gay isn’t accepted all over. To most of the simple-minded people around me a transsexual is the lowest of the low. That’s what I am though, as much as I think of myself as a guy, I was born in a female body. I can’t change that. Even if I choose to be as stealth as possible, there’s a chance someone can find out about my past. For the most part, I just want to be seen as guy. I guess as time goes on I will embrace being trans, just like I grew to accept being gay.

I suppose everyone wants to fit in somewhere. Not that I do what ever it takes to fit in, I like being an outsider. But I’m human and we all have some need to fit in, to be accepted by others. I’m struggling a little knowing that I’m leaving the lesbian community, although I didn’t completely identify because I never really felt like a woman, it was finally a community that accepted me. Something I could say I was a part of. Now I’m becoming a heterosexual male, something lesbians don’t have a lot of respect for, to say the least. I wasn’t a big part of it though, I don’t have a lot of lesbian friends. I’m hoping to become a bigger part of the trans community, get to know other people like me. I’ve never been a very social person, I tend to stay to myself. I’ve had a couple close friends but never been part of a big group. I guess because I never have a lot in common with most people, and I don’t like drama, friends seem to equal drama. I’m going to try harder now, as much as I don’t like to admit I need friends, I do. Again, I’m human.

51 days!

Yes 51 days clean, from narcotics. This is only my 3rd day clean from Marijuana. I’m determined this time though. I’ve been trying to quit but I can only get to 3 or 4 days then I end up smoking because I’m so aggravated! That’s really not a smart decision on my part, I know only time and abstinence will cure it. I know better! Addiction isn’t an easy thing to overcome though, no matter what you are addicted to. I hate hearing – weed isn’t addictive, bullshit! Whatever you do that makes your brain release dopamine is addictive!  So anything that makes you “feel good” can be addictive. Drugs, food, sex, even exercise (a good addiction but still an addiction). Maybe some people have less of an addictive personality than others but if you do anything long enough, then stop, you’re going to feel the changes happening in your brain and body. No matter how small or insignificant they may be, it’s going to have some effect on you.

A little part of me will (almost) miss the partying, that’s the only way I knew how to have fun.  That was the whole problem though, I couldn’t have fun without drugs. So I needed to completely change my life around. There’s PLENTY of things to do that’s fun and won’t destroy my mind and body. Now I can, not only enjoy them but remember that I enjoy them! I’m on my way to improving my life. Everyday I get closer.

How do I tell family and friends??

As of right now that seems to be my biggest concern. I’m not employed because I had some issues “cleaning up”. Which is going great by the way (don’t think I’ve posted about my progress yet, but I will because there’s a few things I want to say) I’ve got 46 days clean! Might not seem like a lot yet but I have NO intentions on going backwards! So anyhow, today I got a call from a friend I used to work with and he said they really need the help. I don’t talk to him often so he has no idea. If I do go back to work with there, I’ll have to tell him and of course my supervisors. I’m still at the beginning of my transition so I’ve only told my immediate family. I’m having trouble with telling people I associate with. I haven’t mentioned anything on my Facebook account yet (not like I’m a big Facebook user), but I’m thinking of just writing a post about it saying “yeah this is what I’m doing, feel free to message me with any questions.” That would get most people I know out of the way. Although there are a couple people I’d rather tell in person but for most that seems like a good idea. I thought it was hard coming out as gay, it’s going to be harder coming out as trans! If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it!

how masculine do I have to be? and some other concerns…

I feel like I have to be as masculine as possible. I already do look and act like a dude but now I find myself thinking – does this look too feminine? About the smallest things, that realistically most guys probably don’t worry about. No guy wants to look girly though. I just have to remember to be secure with myself. I know what I am, no matter how it may seem to someone else. Maybe it’s an issue of passing, hoping I look like a guy. Right now some people might not be sure if I’m a guy or a girl. I don’t want to give them a reason to think I’m a girl. Really that is being insecure, worried about what people think, I guess. Sure that will change some when I have facial hair and a deeper voice. I will just be a lot more comfortable with not only looking like a guy but feeling like a guy.

Another thing I’m trying to deal with is how to tell people to call me by another name. My family has never even called me by a nickname. I’m sure it will be hard at first, I suppose just like a nickname would, it will grow on me. Eventually people won’t think twice about it. I’ve always hated my name, It just doesn’t fit me. It still sounds weird when someone calls me it, makes me kind of cringe.

I’m not sure about what public restroom to use either. I think most people must know I’m a girl but just the other day while I was washing my hands in the restroom and I heard a little girl ask her mom if I was a boy. Granted she is a kid but other people have called me a boy too. But I really don’t want to be noticed as a girl in the men’s room! I’m not sure which is worse though. I want to get a stp (stand-to-pee) device, so when I do I’ll probably go in the men’s. I should just say screw it and use the men’s now. They’d probably look at me less than the women. I think getting on testosterone will make somethings easier.

mistaken identity: born in the wrong body

When I was younger I was confused when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize that person. As I grew up I thought it was normal to feel different then how I looked. I tried to be who people said I should be, my mom told me I was a girl and should dress like one. That didn’t last long, I felt ridiculous in girl’s clothes. I cried if she made me wear a dress. I wanted my hair short and wanted to wear t-shirts and jeans. I played with toy guns in the woods with the boys. That’s what I thought I was. A boy. They said I was just a tomboy, I’d grow out of it. I was hoping I would, I wanted to be “normal”. I tried to date guys, each one tried to change me. Dress me up. How do you explain to people you’re just not comfortable in clothes like that? I hated to wear anything tight that would show off my body. It didn’t look like I wanted it to. I felt ashamed of it. I still do.

I was never comfortable with a guy, never wanted to be intimate with them. Then when I discovered I was attracted to girls, it was completely different. I thought, oh this is why people like sex! It made sense to me, felt right. I felt right in the “guy” position in the relationship. So was there something wrong with me? Maybe I didn’t try hard enough? Does everyone have to try this hard? It didn’t seem like they did.

I didn’t admit to myself I was gay until I was almost 17. Then I thought OK I’m just bisexual. No wait… I don’t like being with men, I actually hate it, every part of it. Who says I have to? I’m a lesbian! Although I really don’t like that title,  It sounds too girly. Is that who I am?  I’ve never met a gay person (so I thought), I didn’t know what being gay really was. The only thing I knew about gay people were the mean things people would say about them. It wasn’t normal. I assumed it just wasn’t an option. How could I be gay? Not in this family. Not in this town. It took a little time but I said the hell with people, this IS who I am.

So now I’m stuck being a lesbian, stuck in this female body that I hate? I can’t stand to see my body naked. There are things that just don’t belong. Is there something I could do about it? Just like being gay I was in denial about having a sex change. I thought, that could never happen, it would be too hard to deal with people. How do I explain to people I’m changing my gender?! Telling my family friends that I am going to be a man now seemed impossible. They wouldn’t understand. The more I consider it the more I think, I really don’t care what people say. I want to be happy, I want to like my body. I’m the one who has to live with it for the rest of my life. So I’ve done the research and came to the conclusion, this is what I want to do. I have to do it, for myself.

I’ve been talking to my counselor about it and decided to make an appointment to see a doctor about getting testosterone.  It’s on May 24th, which seems like a lifetime away but I’m just pretty anxious to get my transition started. Well I suppose it’s already started, I pretty much pass as a guy, although my voice can be feminine. I’m really excited for the testosterone to change that, among other things.

I plan on blogging through the process, mostly for a record of the ways I’m changing but also for anyone with questions, gay, trans or straight. Even though there’s a lot of trans-people blogging already, I’d just like to add to it, give my experiences. So feel free to ask anything!

anyone seen my motivation?

I can’t find it anywhere! Today has been especially tough, not that I have tons of stuff to do, I don’t! I could hardly bring myself to write this post. What the hell is wrong with me? I tried working on my story, I lasted 10 minutes, wrote a paragraph. Tried reading, again got through only a paragraph.
I know since I’m recently tackling sobriety it has a lot to do with it. But when will I have some ambition? How long will this last? Will it ever come back? Ok, I know that it will, but along with my motivation I have a severe lack of patience! I even tried searching online for “lack of motivation” to hopefully find a cure, I clicked one link then decided I would try to go to sleep! Phew! I’m exhausted! I need to find the energy to research this, it cannot continue.

an evolving writer

You can’t really learn to be a writer, you can learn to be a better writer. Practicing techniques, grammar rules and reading in the genre you’re writing. The more you write the easier it will be, while increasing the chances of your work getting noticed. I know I still have a lot to learn. I don’t call myself a writer because I’m “published”, or because someone pays me to do it. I enjoy writing, the actually physical part of putting words on paper, smooth ink flowing from the pen, I love pens and paper! (maybe that’s weird, but I do) Mostly, it’s watching something you’re creating come alive. Difficult to describe, maybe a feeling of pride and a wide variety of emotions. To put it simply, it feels good!

You don’t need anyone’s permission to write or call yourself a writer. If you write (anything) you’re a writer. Blogging or recording a journal makes you a writer. Most humans have some want or need to communicate, some can do it in a more alluring and entertaining way. We can get discouraged because we don’t have the credentials of another writer, but we must persevere, and have confidence. If you don’t believe in yourself no one else will either. Concentrating on what people think about you isn’t going to get you anywhere. I’m not saying getting people to review your work is a bad idea. That may help you improve your weak areas, a fresh perspective is a great idea. You can’t please everyone though, you need only please yourself.

the night sky

Anyone witnessing the brilliance of Jupiter and Venus tonight? Those two exceptionally bright stars, in the south, near the moon aren’t stars… Jupiter is above the moon and venus below.
Venus is our brightest planet, just a little brighter than Jupiter our second brightest and the largest planet in our solar system. If you have a pair of binoculars you will be able to see a couple of Jupiter’s moons. Would make a nice picture too, if you can get them all in the same frame. Also higher up is a cluster of stars called the Pleiades, there’s a lot going on this week! So if you can brave the cold and wind, get out there and check ‘em out! Here’s a good website if you’re curious about the night sky – http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/ataglance.